Book Review – Even If Not
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Don’t let the plain jane cover fool you. This book and its author are anything but. Kaitlyn E. Bouchillon is astonishingly wiser than her twenty-something years.
I guess a brain tumor at 17 might do that to a person.
I say “might” because trials like that can either make you bitter or better.
Kaitlyn knows, because she says, “When God asks me to trust what He knows more than what I can see, I must rely on His sight and let the water that rises wash me clean instead of sweep me over.”
I’ve never had a brain tumor, but I did have major surgery with a 3 month stay in the hospital at the age of 14. So I resonated with the book Even If Not, which is Kaitlyn’s life story.
And boy does she have Life.
Kaitlyn explains, “I long to carry this story well. I want my history to be His legacy, my life shining only one Name. I never would have written a brain tumor into my story but I would never wish to write it out.”
See what I mean?
Now don’t get me wrong. Her book is not all lollipops and daisies. Not even close. It’s real and raw and hard to read at times. She is transparent – even when she admits she doesn’t want to be.
But of course, she didn’t get to her current level of faith overnight. This book takes us through the grueling process.
Many of us want bigger faith, but are we willing to go through the process?
Many of us are smack dab in the middle of the process – praying to get out, when in fact the process is the best place to be.
Kaitlyn didn’t have a choice in her particular process, but she now recognizes it as a gift.
I should say – the Gift.
Kaitlyn states, “He is the Truth and He is the Answer and so we quietly hand our questions over, choosing to believe that He will be enough even if the only answer we receive is Him.”
I am learning from an example who is young enough to be my daughter.
1 Timothy 4:12 (NIV): Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity.
So you may be wondering – did Kaitlyn pray for healing? Oh yes. Most definitely.
“My soul knew the truth: He could heal me but I would choose to love Him even if not. And if He chose not to heal me? It would not make Him any less of a healer.”
Kaitlyn has lived – and grown – through more than most. Her book also tells of …
A life changing trip to Haiti
“I thought I was going with the purpose of talking about Jesus, but He took me there to break me, to split me wide open and open wide my eyes and ears and heart to His ways, to bring me to a place where I could never deny what I had seen and would forever have to daily choose to whisper the words, whether I’m here or there, that I’ll love Him even if not.”
Broken Relationships
“The truth of the matter is, when everyone ran out I wanted them back more than I wanted Him there. Just writing that makes me sick inside.” But then, “My only companion on that road was Jesus and somewhere on that path, after many U-turns and roadblocks and thunderstorms of tears shed, I realized that the gift I wanted at the other side of my imagined rainbow was no longer friendships restored or hopes fulfilled – it was the One walking beside me. I think something happens up in the heavenlies when we want God more than we want His promises. I think they dance.”
Depression
How she fought it: “It’s funny, all this armor of God that is listed out for us to wear. The one thing that will pierce, the only weapon we are to wield, is the sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God.” (Ephesians 6:10-18)
Longing
“Whatever your dreams are and whatever page you find yourself on today, I am confident that His words for me are also for you. He sees your deepest desires, the ones He planted in you, and He loves you more deeply than you’ll ever know. His heart is for you and with you, but will you believe it? He could give you every one of your heart’s desires, but if He chooses not to and instead simply gives you Himself, will that be enough?”
I have painted a beautiful picture of Kaitlyn – because she is stunning inside and out. But, I would be remiss if I didn’t tell you that she admits to still having to pray Mark 9:24 …
I believe; help my unbelief!
“He never promised to answer all our questions, but He promised to be the Answer to every question we’ll ever face.”
Even If Not
“Those three little words are guaranteed to change your story.”
*My prayer for you is … that this blog will inspire you to open your Bible every single day to seek God’s face and write His Word on your heart – because HE’S the key to lasting heart change!
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